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Saturday, June 14, 2014

.... Expresikan dirimu .....

:D
haha berhabuk..berhabuk.. beberapa kali juga merpati cuba buka blog ni tapi, akhirnya x jadi nak menulus. entah kenapa bila berhadapan dengan sehelai kertas putih, hati merpati jadi diam kaku. mungkin kerana terlalu berat untuk mencurahkan segala lelahan di hati ini.

Jadi, x lama lagi dah nak masuk bulan Ramadhan yang barakah. Merpati amat berharap kali ini, setiap azam yang merpati lukis di jiwa sebagai pagar tarbiah merpati dapat dilaksanakan dengan jayanya. Amin3. Apa azam tu? Rahsia ;D

Sejujurnya, pada saat begini sedikit kerinduan datang bertandang di pintu hati ini kerana yelah siapa la yang mampu tidak merasakan apa2 bila beraya bersendirian di perantauan. Tapi, you have to be strong, my dear. Tak lama dah. Soon you'll be a degree holder. O yeah!

About the last post, hmmm still with that. Saman dah bayar cuma sekarang tunggu insurance claim, kalau berjaya ditanggung oleh syarikat insurance, merpati dah x perlu bayar apa2. Tapi kalau sebaliknya, maka... hmmm Semuanya merpati serahkan pada Allah.

So, sekarang merpati nk kerja dan simpan duit banyak2 sebab i really..really..really wish my family would be there on my graduation day. Please Ya Rabb, make it a reality. Aminnn ^^v

p/s : just sharing new song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=feKe967h5OY

fly fly fly ^^v

Saturday, May 17, 2014

...these tears of mine....

Hi and assalammualaikum,

Merpati terasa patah sayap for a moment.. terasa hilang, hambar dan lemah. Have you ever feel that...hmm don't even know how to put it in words. There's a few stories happened lately. I know, its been a while since my last update. I got caught up in a busy life as a student, tutor and worker at the bakery. yeah, now i know that life is not just about leisure but also about responsibilities.

Talking about responsibilities, yes there were times that i know and i believe i got everything on its right place, but sometimes when what we plan does not goes as planned, it sort of give me a big hit on a face.

Last month, on 21st april, to be exact, my birthday, i always wish that it will be something that i always imagine it will be. But, being here all by my self, made me think that, "hey, merpati, you are a big girl now, you have to be matured and you don't really need to make a big deal about this whole birthday thing. you'll be fine and go on with the rest of you day as usual." yes, indeed it was "fine". Ya Allah, perit pula rasa untuk bercerita. Feels like i'm chocking. Okay easy... take a deep breath.. huuu. Merpati tak nak ingat pun apa yang berlaku on that day. One thing for sure, sometimes you just need a moment alone to really reflect yourself. and thank you to my roommate for that lovely surprice.

Perhaps, what really...hmm really I don't know how to describe it but its hard.. whenever i think about it, i just could not help myself from holding this tears from bursting out. Something happened, recently. Just two days ago. Sekarang awal cuti summer. Baru habis final. Kelas summer pun x start lagi. Since, my juniors will soon went back to Malaysia for the summer, they want to go to Minnesota, which is just 3 hours away from Ames, to buy some stuff for their families. Part of me was telling me that beware of something. I don't know. Pada hari pertama nak bertolak, I kinda have this unpleasant imagination. But, i thought maybe it was just me. Sebab untuk kali pertama, kami semua gerak dengan 2 kereta berasingan tapi dua2 kereta sewa atas nama merpati sebab merpati je yang ada lesen us. Dalam erti kata lain, i'm am the only authorize driver for both car. Me, driving both car at the same time, yup does not make any sense so, merpati dan satu junior as second driver dalam kreta putih Passat Volkswagen, dan satu lagi kereta, dua2 junior, tapi insyaAllah merpati yakin diowang okay sebab boleh drive di us dan ada lesen Malaysia. So with that in mind, i set aside all my negative thoughts.

Tapi betullah orang kata, makin berhati-hati or terlalu fikir sgt, last2 benda tu lah yang jadi. Last day, on our way back, merpati dalam kereta putih tp junior merpati yang bawak since merpati agk pening sikit tiba2 (migrain datang lagi mungkin). Right in front of my eye, the other car that were driven by my junior, hit a truck exactly when they were about to went out of a junction. Merpati hanya mampu istighfar banyak, banyak3 kali dan terus lari ke seberang jalan. Everyone was shocked. I know. But, Alhamdulillah no one was hurt. The truck driver call the police, and..and i asked my junior to step out of the car, with the car keys in my hand, "I'm the one", I said when the police asked whose driving the car. He asked me to tell want happened after the truck driver is soooooo over telling his side of the story of what had happened. To be honest, merpati sendiri x tahu dan x nampak apa yang sebenarnya terjadi, so merpati just cerita je.

On that moment, I really..really wish ayah or mak or abang ada dengan merpati. I thought I was strong enough, but I am not. Untuk pertama kali merpati deal dengan benda ni and I feel that there is no one there for me. I just say yes for everything the officer told me. Merpati dapat saman which x tahu lagi akn kena berapa and seriously, i don't want to tell my parents cause i know they will freak out. Setelah sekian lama, merpati terpaksa kacau my bestie even i know i shouldn't. For a while it was okay. Funny when orang lain yang accident, merpati yang trauma. Entahlah..

So, we went back to Ames that night with a new replacement car by the rental car company. Banyak bermain dalam fikiran merpati. Sometimes I feel that I'm just too selfish cause all I ever think is just me, instead of my junior and people in that car. After accident, merpati try to start a normal conversation dengan semua orang. It was okay but it was fake too especially to that driver. I just..my head, my heart and eyes hurt so much thinking that all of these happened because i did not take my responsibilities seriously. I'm the oldest among them all, i should protect them and jaga tarbiah mereka throughout this journey. Merpati kadang2 selalu percaya pada instinct or signs, which in this case, if anything happened means, perjalanan ni lebih banyak lagha hingga tarbiah pada Allah terabai. So, it already happened and the person that to be blamed, is me.

 

Monday, January 27, 2014

... Tarbiah dari Allah ....

Dalam sibuk menguruskan hal sebagai seorang mahasiswa, pada jam 10.00++ malam, merpati menerima satu mesej dari one of my new sis. "Eh, rindu sangat ke pada akk kesayangan dia ni sampai mesej lagi", perasan hati kecil ini. Bila baca mesejnya, tidak seperti mesej yang diberikan beberapa minit sebelum. Hati mula rasa ingin tahu yang membuak. Setalah menghabiskan beberapa latihan accounting, merpati terus membuka facebook seperti yang disarankan dalam bait2 mesej yang diberikan.

Ya Allah, alangkah terkejutnya merpati apabila membaca warkah itu. Setiap butir kata dan ayat merpati baca satu persatu. Cuba baca dengan tenang namun perasaan sedih bercampur kecewa dan marah semua menjadi satu. Namun, cepat2 dihapuskan perasaan itu. Takut kelak menjadi boneka permainan syaitan.

Sekali lagi, merpati berhadapan dengan situasi dimana jika dibalas, bagi merpati ianya hanya menambah kekusutan. Berhadapan dengan seorang individu yang jauh di sudut hati merpati amat mengagumi kehebatan beliau dalam berbicara dan mengutarakan hujah. Kehebatannya memang diiktiraf bukan dari pandangan merpati sahaja tapi juga warga sastera yang diiktiraf Malaysia. Namun, kecetekan kematangan membuatkan merpati merasa amat sedih dan terkilan.

Ya, kadang-kadang kita melakukan kesilapan. Namun, adalah kesilapan yang kecil itu kita jadikan tiket untuk menghimpunkan sejuta pengalaman atau kesilapan yang lalu untuk menjadi hujah atas keputusan kita sekarang? Perlukah tindakan drastik dilakukan tanpa perbincangan atau pengutaraan pendapat dilakukan kepada pihak yang terlibat? Hak bersuara atau memberi pendapat disekatkah?

Ya Allah, tanpa sedar aku mula merungut atas qada' dan qadar yang telah Engkau letakan diatas garis kehidupanku. Astagfirullah...

You will never solve the problem if you keep looking at the problem the same angle.. Ternyata mungkin dengan tindakan beliau, ramai yang "tidur" mampu tersedar dan bertindak untuk rasa bertanggungjawab. Atau mungkin juga keputusannya itu hanyalah untuk menguji rasa cinta dalam ukhwah yang terbina antara kita. Seperti nasihat Luqmanul Hakim, "jika kamu ingin mencari teman, ujilah dia dengan membuatnya marah"..

InsyaAllah.. Allah bersama dengan umatnya yang bersabar. Ya Allah tunjukilah kami jalan yang bernara, jalan yang diredhaiMu.. Amin....

^?^... 

Thursday, January 23, 2014

.... forever inspiring ...

http://www.einthusan.com/movies/watch.php?lang=hindi&id=778

^^v

Saturday, January 18, 2014

.... Jaulah Tahun Baru & Azam ....

Cepat je masa berjalan dan akhirnya dah tahun 2014. nampaknya kena tambah details di bahagian tepi blog ni. hmmm what actually the most significant moments that happened on me throughout this year?? i will think about that later. haha

For now, I would like to just focus on 2 things, my best Jaulah Tahun Baru & my New Year Resolution.

Okay, let's start with Jaulah Tahun Baru. hahah We, as in me and my adik usrah (new sisters) and couples of my friends went to more than 3 state in 10 whole days. Awesome journey, right? Yup, we travelled to Wisconsin, Ohio, Indiana, Chicago, Purdue, Edinburg (this is actually unplanned because we went there accidentally when I got the wrong address) hahah super lol.
Guess what we use to go for this travel? We use 4x4 Ford Expedition EXL. haha yup, super big and super huge. This was my first time driving this huge thing. Yup, of course I am the driver. Specifically the primary driver and the one and only legal driver in USA. My other sisters, they can drive too but the only have permit (in Malaysia its sort of P license). Especially when I was totally sick during our way back to Ames. Panas dalam. I just can't sleep, can't eat, feels like throwing up. All i do just drink a hot coffee and force myself to sleep. Yeah, its works a bit but my flue got me off after several days later.
Anyway, it was an awesome journey. We learned a lot and we just don't waste ourtime sitting in the car for hours doing nothing. We play games and if it is time, we recite mathsurat and surah hafazan. Thanks to Zainal for accompany us up till Indiana, thanks to Ustaz and family for letting us stay at your house and thanks to Didi for...for.. almost everything. Miss you back again. We will see each other again if you come to Ames for TJM this Spring break.

Next, New Year Resolution. I want to be a lady! hahaha You see, I don't think I'm lady enough. hahah Is not that I want to be matured real fast or anything like that, but the fact is that I am supposed to be more matured now as I already been given a huge responsibilities now and ... and.. okay I just say it, I am reaching my 22 this years. So, just think, if during Rasulullah and his Sahabah time, woman during this age will be on the verge of accomplish a huge mission or could be a huge responsibilities which was just not even way far ahead if compared to my responsibilities now. Thus, I want to prepared myself. More matured in thinking, reasoning, behavioring, intelectual and emotions too.
Other than that, I just to to contribute as much as I can to the ummah and portray a good example to my families, sisters and friends. I don't want to be the "fitnah" and poisons to my own religion especially when I am currently at the US and people view me as an indicator to what Islam is all about.

Okay, I guess, that was just it for now. A few big thing this year that i will quickly tell is that the sociology class research topic (still thinking what will be the topic), programming class back again (hopefully not as hard as before), TJM ( s/u again?? hmm.. okay coz at least Madje asked me to help him to be the AJK for sukan too) and counting days for......

^^v