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Saturday, May 17, 2014

...these tears of mine....

Hi and assalammualaikum,

Merpati terasa patah sayap for a moment.. terasa hilang, hambar dan lemah. Have you ever feel that...hmm don't even know how to put it in words. There's a few stories happened lately. I know, its been a while since my last update. I got caught up in a busy life as a student, tutor and worker at the bakery. yeah, now i know that life is not just about leisure but also about responsibilities.

Talking about responsibilities, yes there were times that i know and i believe i got everything on its right place, but sometimes when what we plan does not goes as planned, it sort of give me a big hit on a face.

Last month, on 21st april, to be exact, my birthday, i always wish that it will be something that i always imagine it will be. But, being here all by my self, made me think that, "hey, merpati, you are a big girl now, you have to be matured and you don't really need to make a big deal about this whole birthday thing. you'll be fine and go on with the rest of you day as usual." yes, indeed it was "fine". Ya Allah, perit pula rasa untuk bercerita. Feels like i'm chocking. Okay easy... take a deep breath.. huuu. Merpati tak nak ingat pun apa yang berlaku on that day. One thing for sure, sometimes you just need a moment alone to really reflect yourself. and thank you to my roommate for that lovely surprice.

Perhaps, what really...hmm really I don't know how to describe it but its hard.. whenever i think about it, i just could not help myself from holding this tears from bursting out. Something happened, recently. Just two days ago. Sekarang awal cuti summer. Baru habis final. Kelas summer pun x start lagi. Since, my juniors will soon went back to Malaysia for the summer, they want to go to Minnesota, which is just 3 hours away from Ames, to buy some stuff for their families. Part of me was telling me that beware of something. I don't know. Pada hari pertama nak bertolak, I kinda have this unpleasant imagination. But, i thought maybe it was just me. Sebab untuk kali pertama, kami semua gerak dengan 2 kereta berasingan tapi dua2 kereta sewa atas nama merpati sebab merpati je yang ada lesen us. Dalam erti kata lain, i'm am the only authorize driver for both car. Me, driving both car at the same time, yup does not make any sense so, merpati dan satu junior as second driver dalam kreta putih Passat Volkswagen, dan satu lagi kereta, dua2 junior, tapi insyaAllah merpati yakin diowang okay sebab boleh drive di us dan ada lesen Malaysia. So with that in mind, i set aside all my negative thoughts.

Tapi betullah orang kata, makin berhati-hati or terlalu fikir sgt, last2 benda tu lah yang jadi. Last day, on our way back, merpati dalam kereta putih tp junior merpati yang bawak since merpati agk pening sikit tiba2 (migrain datang lagi mungkin). Right in front of my eye, the other car that were driven by my junior, hit a truck exactly when they were about to went out of a junction. Merpati hanya mampu istighfar banyak, banyak3 kali dan terus lari ke seberang jalan. Everyone was shocked. I know. But, Alhamdulillah no one was hurt. The truck driver call the police, and..and i asked my junior to step out of the car, with the car keys in my hand, "I'm the one", I said when the police asked whose driving the car. He asked me to tell want happened after the truck driver is soooooo over telling his side of the story of what had happened. To be honest, merpati sendiri x tahu dan x nampak apa yang sebenarnya terjadi, so merpati just cerita je.

On that moment, I really..really wish ayah or mak or abang ada dengan merpati. I thought I was strong enough, but I am not. Untuk pertama kali merpati deal dengan benda ni and I feel that there is no one there for me. I just say yes for everything the officer told me. Merpati dapat saman which x tahu lagi akn kena berapa and seriously, i don't want to tell my parents cause i know they will freak out. Setelah sekian lama, merpati terpaksa kacau my bestie even i know i shouldn't. For a while it was okay. Funny when orang lain yang accident, merpati yang trauma. Entahlah..

So, we went back to Ames that night with a new replacement car by the rental car company. Banyak bermain dalam fikiran merpati. Sometimes I feel that I'm just too selfish cause all I ever think is just me, instead of my junior and people in that car. After accident, merpati try to start a normal conversation dengan semua orang. It was okay but it was fake too especially to that driver. I just..my head, my heart and eyes hurt so much thinking that all of these happened because i did not take my responsibilities seriously. I'm the oldest among them all, i should protect them and jaga tarbiah mereka throughout this journey. Merpati kadang2 selalu percaya pada instinct or signs, which in this case, if anything happened means, perjalanan ni lebih banyak lagha hingga tarbiah pada Allah terabai. So, it already happened and the person that to be blamed, is me.